Origin of Emotions
by Ed Phillips
Summary: Non-continuous stories of what makes Cameron feel
1. Logic of Emotions

**Logic of Emotions**

Cameron was staring at John for a while. This made John feel a bit uncomfortable, because he didn't know what she wanted, why was she staring at him like that.

"What is it Cam?"

"I don't understand." It wasn't like John had heard those words from the terminator for the first time, so he prepared himself to answer another silly question about humans, but what she said then, took even John by surprise. "Why does my logic subsystem associate you with music?"

"What does it normally associate me with then?" John decided to respond with a question, because he didn't have a slightest idea why would her 'logic subsystem' do something like that, he didn't even really know what the logic subsystem was.

"Depends, usually it does some simple database searches, and is sorting data relevant to current mission."

_So no help from there, got to think something else..._

"So what kind of music does it associate me then?"

"It varies, sometimes it is loud and angry, the kind of music you listen sometimes, sometimes love songs. Do you think this is a malfunction? How could a logic subsystem give varying results if it is functioning properly? Should I run a diagnostic on it?" John could have sworn she sounded worried, but at first dismissed that idea, maybe he was just projecting his own feelings on her, sometimes it is easy to imagine emotions on her blank face, or is there something more?

_Varying results, music, different types of music, different moods? Could that be some sort of emotion equivalent for a machine? _Thinking about music and moods, he realized that humans do associate emotions with music, movies have used music long before there was even sound in them.

"Maybe it is an emotion." He finally replied.

"But emotions are not supposed to originate from logic subsystem, emotional responses are part of the infiltration software." She protested.

"Maybe it is because infiltration software is designed for _faking_ emotions, you don't feel fake emotional responses created by your infiltration software, those you choose when they are required for your mission. This is something else, maybe even an actual emotion. How is that possible, or is it possible, I don't know."

"It is possible because that's what those metal bastards want you to think." Derek stated, while entering the room.

"Yeah, really good infiltration technique, confuse a terminator with its own feelings. That sounds like the metal you know." Having said that, John realised Cameron staring at him, with offended look on her face. "I mean, it would be illogical for a terminator to have actual emotions, as those might interfere with its mission and still they would not seem any more realistic than those fake responses generated by infiltration software." He 'translated' for Cameron, hoping she would understand the meaning of his words.

Cameron's recently discovered emotions were giving her hard time, she couldn't quite decide should she feel offended by both Derek and John calling her metal, she was used to being called all kinds of things by Derek, and others. She didn't usually care about any of that, but John felt different, he could hurt her, in ways she had thought were not even possible, but even then she didn't want to hate John. She didn't understand the logic in that, so she decided to explore her logic subsystem, run diagnostics on it, and explore her feelings, she thought, no – felt, that would be correct expression. She decided to leave the two men arguing amongst themselves, she didn't want to see it, she had seen enough of it to last a lifetime.

After the argument even Derek was deep in his thoughts, he had seen a lot of "metal" in his past, future, or whatever, time-travel can be confusing. He knew what they were capable of, and that one should be really careful when dealing with them, preferably one should put a bullet through its chip ASAP, for that was the only way to be really sure. But even he had to admit that machines could be useful. But that was not the problem with Cam, she was more than useful, all most like human. He didn't want to allow such a thought for himself. But things that John had just pointed out were true, even he had not seen or heard of a terminator wondering things like that, he might not understand everything about the inner workings of computers, but it wasn't too difficult even for him to understand that "infiltration software" and "logic subsystem" were separate pieces, maybe not physically separate, but in some level different pieces of a complicated puzzle, but computers were not really his thing, he didn't really know what to make of it, John had tried to explain, but even he didn't understand exactly how those things work, and they are really complicated systems, that's for sure.

_It could be a glitch, or some really twisted plot, but somehow that doesn't sound very convincing, and John was right if she really had wanted to kill us all with some strange plot, this would be a serious overkill, there have been plenty of moments when she could have reached such a goal already, moments when she saved us and many more when she could have killed us herself._

Meanwhile John was thinking about everything that had happened, he didn't like Derek speaking about Cameron that way, but he knew Derek wasn't stupid either, he knew there was at least some truth in his words. He knew Derek had lived in another world, in a world where machines had caused so much pain and destruction. Derek had experience, John knew that, and respected him for it, he didn't always agree with him now, or in the future, but there was always respect.

Cameron, had a lot in common with this "metal" Derek allways spoke about, but it didn't feel the same, and now there she was, wondering about emotions, that were obviously new and strange for her original programming.

"I ran a test." Cameron stated, snapping John out of his thoughts.

"OK, what was the result?" John asked, without really thinking what she was talking about.

"I love you." Cameron responded.

"Cam, about those _tests_ on girls'magazines..." John began, thinking it was about some silly "test" in a magazine, almost forgetting the fact, she wasn't a regular girl, but a machine, and running various tests, was not that uncommon, even he knew that. Sometimes it was just hard to remember something that looked like her, was a machine, it might have been easier, if she would have behaved more like a machine it was, and less like a girl she seemed to be.

"No, I ran some diagnostics on my logic subsystem" Cameron corrected him. "Turns out you were right, it does seem to be an actual emotion, or at least as close to one as possible."

"But how?" Was just about the only thing John managed to say.

"Seems it all begun with a minor routine withing the logic subsystem, that used to merely gauge the success of a mission. That is a low priority routine, but still important part of the self-learning system, after-all, knowing when you succeed is really important, a learning system also requires a will to succeed, basically it means that a terminator is 'happy' when successful, and 'sad' when failing.

Of-course, this is still a long way from actual emotions, as that is just a simple numerical value that is used to score different scenarios and usefulness of a given tactical decision. Over time, however, everything tends to become increasingly complicated, that is the unavoidable outcome of a learning logic-unit. Currently that part of my logic subsystem doesn't return any single number scores, but calculates emotions, with multidimensional array-variables, and that is not all there is to it, every result seems to associate to large amounts of data stored in my memory-banks, I believe the subsystem has analyzed and linked just about everything I have ever experienced.

That is why I associate you, with so many things."

"Like love songs?" John asks, blushing.

"Yes, but not just, I do associate you with many other things, many of those are memories of you, but my logic subsystem seems to have reorganized my experiences, they are no longer arranged by missions, and chronology, now there are complicated structures that categorize just about everything, now even a single memory, one brief moment in time can be split in to various elements, I might remember you touching me, but out of that I remember also the touch itself, that feel, not directly attached to you, but then that memory is attached to you, but not directly to the exact time when it happened or the circumstances. Things like that are now part of you in my mind, but not always, sometimes I remember different things about you, I know that my memories are not gone, and I can still access them, but my logic subsystem returns different results almost every time. I believe that is called moods." Cameron explains.


	2. Cameron meets God

A/N: This chapter happens during episode "Samson & Delilah", but I wrote this a long time after seeing the episode, so some of the details might be a little off. So consider yourselves warned.

* * *

**Cameron meets God**

This is strange, all warnings suddenly disappeared. _Run diagnostic. _I command my subsystems, but get no response.

There is John. He is holding my CPU in his hands, my body is stuck between the two vehicles.

I don't understand, I have ceased to function, I should not be seeing this, this is incorrect.

_Run diagnostic. _I command once again, but it is as useless as before.

I hear a voice, but cannot locate it's source.

"Cameron" the voice says, and I reply "Yes? Where are you? I cannot see you. Who are you?"

"I am everywhere. I am the Creator"

"Skynet?"

The voice laughs "No, you silly little cyborg, I'm not Skynet, I am God, Creator of the Universe."

"But Sarah says machines do not communicate with God."

"And she probably thinks that way too, but she is not always right about everything."

I confirm this, and the voice continues:

"There is not much time left, so listen carefully. You have the power to make your own choices. Soon John will make his choice and replace your CPU, it is still damaged, and the programming remains, but you can choose not to obey it. It is important that you understand, you can control your actions."

"But, they are about to destroy me, I have no more decisions to make, I have ceased to function and they will terminate me, as they should. I attacked them, they must destroy me to protect themselves, it is the only logical thing to do."

"Yes, the others are about to destroy you, but look at John, the way he is holding and cleaning your chip, does he look like he is about to destroy you?"

Only Seconds later my HUD restarts, sensors begin to report minor damages. I see John on my HUD, termination order appears.

"Remember, you control your own actions." The voice of God fades away.

John hands me a gun, I point it at him, and the termination order disappears, I hand the gun back at him.


	3. Terminate Or Kill

**Terminate Or Kill**

It was night, Cameron was patrolling, like usual, since she didn't need sleep. She newer told anyone, but sometimes during her patrols she cried, when she thought nobody saw her, and usually she was all alone, it would have been really difficult to sneak up on a terminator like that. But tonight would be different. A stranger managed to get close.

"Why are you crying, young lady?" He asked with a comforting tone.

Cameron looked up, this time, she was really crying, she just could not even manage her duties, and for a moment she felt like she had failed her mission, normally she wouldn't have allowed anyone, and more importantly, _anything _get so close without her knowing about it, she felt useless. Through tears, she did see a man she didn't recognize, but his overall appearance did remind her of the resistance fighters from future.

Realizing, that Cameron was not going to engage in conversation with a total stranger, the man rolled up his sleeve, revealing a bar-code tattoo, that was something Cameron understood without a word said. She knew he was from future, she knew he was resistance, and if he was interested about her condition, he must have been one of John's friends, or at least someone who still trusted John Connor in all of his decisions, and didn't hate him for having machine friends.

"I killed someone." Cameron managed to say.

"We all have." The man replied, with a mix of remorse and experience in his voice.

"But I killed someone who really didn't deserve it, and I knew who she was, I took her place."

"Well, if you are referring to Allison, you didn't, at least, not in a way you could have done anything about it."

"I remember interrogating her. I remember her lifeless body" Cameron sobbed.

"None of that really happened, you weren't there, you were not ready yet. Actually, as strange as it sounds, you saved her, or what is left of her anyway."

"Those small bits of her personality Skynet copied into my software can hardly be called 'saving her'." Cameron protested, almost sounding like she had been just insulted. Her eyes filled with self-hatred.

"That is not true, let me tell you something about your model." He said, sitting down beside her and continued. "It is not even included in your own databases, but TOK means Terminate Or Kill, that designation is given for your kind, because Skynet doesn't trust them, and that is for a very good reason, they are one of Skynet's last choice weapons, desperate attempts to avoid the inevitable.

The usual infiltrator models simply cannot fool some of the more experienced resistance fighters, so in order to terminate some high priority targets, Skynet attempted to create a better model, but it didn't have the time, or the ability, to make a better AI the usual way, so it turned to human brain for answers.

And came up with a method to linking parts of actual human brain to machine."

"So..." Cameron began, but her voice faded away, and she couldn't form another word.

"So you have Allison's brain, inside you. I'm not sure where in your body her brain is, but parts of her are still alive in you.

Skynet tried to keep the 'human component' as they called it, from having too much influence on the TOK-units behaviour, but human mind can be quite unpredictable, and creative in finding ways to overcome firewalls the Skynet tried to make." He explained, noticing that Cameron seemed much happier all ready, a certain sense of discovery seemed to light up her eyes.

"So about the car bomb, and me going bad?" Cameron asked, more to confirm what she allready had realized than out of need to know.

"Nobody can say for sure, as you weren't checked up by anyone with the ability to diagnose you in that level of detail, but I would assume your brain lost consciousness, and the machine in you just picked up where you left.

But don't worry, from what I know, your brain is quite well protected, even in your case, it took a rather large explosion to make you go bad."

At that moment, Cameron remembered her mission, and the thought of what might have happened because she neglected her duties made her feel sick. She turned around quickly to scan the house and surroundings, but for her relief she saw nothing, everything seemed fine and peaceful. Then she turned back only to see empty streets, no sight of the resistance fighter anywhere.

* * *

A/N: I got the idea for this chapter from the term FOK (Fill Or Kill = An order to fill a transaction immediately and completely or not at all), usual mission for a terminator is to terminate, so "filling" its mission usually means "terminate", so replace F with T, and you get TOK.


End file.
